Wheeeeeeee!

It was a very Nintendo Christmas this year. No, we didn't get a Wii (whatever made you think we might've?), but we did get a couple of Nintendo DS Lites — one for each of the young-uns.

Full Disclosure: The handheld gaming devices and accessories were gifts from the grandparents — both sets. In other words, my parents and 6/10ths parents went together to buy them.

The game players are definitely the top gifts of the year. They even discovered the wireless IM feature and used it when they were supposed to be sleeping last night.

That wireless capability is actually kind of cool. You can buy one copy of Mario Kart and when one starts the game he chooses multiplayer/simple and then the other kid can connect wirelessly to the game. It transmits the game through the "ether" and then they race each other.

At first, 1 of 2 won every time. But 2 of 2 started to get the hang of steering and also enjoyed doing goofy things, like driving off of bridges into the water. By being silly he discovered some "shortcuts" and started winning consistently. 1 of 2 was convinced that the computer was driving for him because "no one can steer that smooth!" I had them switch consoles and race. 2 of 2 still won, even though 1 of 2 now had the computer assisted car. That just made him madder. We told him that he needed to figure out why 2 was winning and copy his techniques. By the end of the evening, 1 was more competitive.

Another case of fratricide avoided.

Chicks Dig Scars

Chicks Dig Scars. That's what I'm telling 1 of 2 to console him over his injuries.

Sunday, in the middle of the first quarter of the Cowboys / Giants game, 1 of 2 decided to go bike riding in front of our house. His helmet wasn't fitting properly (he'd managed to release the clamps holding the straps). So I spent a few minutes getting it all adjusted again. Good thing, too, because he wasn't out there more than 5 minutes before he showed up inside again in extreme pain.

I'm not sure of all the details, but he was going relatively fast when he lost control and hurtled to the pavement. 6/10ths (my better half) saw him hit the ground and slide, face down. He bruised and scraped his left knee (and tore a hole in his new pants), scraped the knuckles of his left hand, and scraped his nose and upper lip (and cracked his bike helmet).

We put bandages on his knee and fingers but the scrape on his nose started right between the eyes and goes down to the tip. We figured that it was just too hard to bandage — the small bandages wouldn't cover the scrape and the big ones wouldn't fit between his eyes. So we just cleaned it and let it scab over.

He looks pretty bad and is getting a lot of grief at school. But I keep promising him that scars give a guy a certain, I don't know what exactly, but a certain je ne sais quoi that the girls seem to be attracted to.

Aside #1: I do know that "je ne sais quoi" means "I don't know what". But 1 of 2 doesn't so it works.

In the meantime he's taking a lot of oral analgesics.

Aside #2: I love the way that sounds — oral analgesics. And yes, I tell them that the termometer is a rectal one, just to see their reaction. Still works after all these years!

Another bonus is that we get to avoid posing for any more Christmas pictures this year!

Tree Houses

Long time no post. By the time I'm done with work these days I'm just too tired to post. The odd thing about that statement is that I don't have a job! Except to find a new job. And it's a lot of work.

Anyway, a week ago, right after Thanksgiving, my wife took her three boys to the Dallas Arboretum to see the Tree House exhibit. I think it was the last weekend, so I'm sorry if this post makes you want to go see it. (HA!)

Anyway, the first thing to keep in mind is that no trees were harmed by this exhibit. I can understand the requirement. But what I don't understand is why they let artists design the tree houses, and I can assure you that they were artistic. That's not a good thing.

For starters, one requirement for any "tree house" design ought to be that you could put it up in a tree. Only two of the thirteen "tree houses" had obvious tree potential. One other "tree house", while lacking any resemblance to something you could put in a tree, managed to include some structural elements (large PVC piping) that that could clearly have been used to support elevated tree houses so that no damage would have been done to the trees.

Instead, we were treated to very artistic designs on the ground that not only had no potential to exist in a tree, but looked like they would be absolutely no fun to play or spend time in!

I'm sorry, but a tree house is, first and foremost, a play structure. It is secondarily a clubhouse. If you build a structure that cannot be placed in a tree, cannot be used as a play structure, and cannot serve as a clubhouse — well, you darned well better not call it a tree house!

Camping

We survived our first Cub Scout camp-out. In case you don't remember, my idea of roughing it is staying at a hotel that doesn't have room service after midnight. So the idea of me camping in anything, even the famous Madden Bus, is a bit of a snort.

But I'm a dad, and you've just gotta do what you've gotta do.

This is actually my second campout with the kids. By the time they're adults I may even figure out if camp out is one word, two words, or hyphenated. The first campout was at the Arbor Hills Nature Preserve in Plano. That was a special one night, no cooking, planned activities for the kids, family camping event sponsored by the City of Plano Parks and Rec department. We got through with a tent, the kids' two sleeping bags unzipped and laid out on top of rented sleeping pads, and some sheets and pillows.

This time there were two cooking opportunities and the weather was going to be colder, so we needed to buy some gear.

• Coleman 2-burner camp stove
• several 16.4 oz. cans of propane
• 2 more sleeping bags
• queen size inflatable air mattress for mom and dad
• small folding table

We decided to use normal pots and cooking utensils along with paper plates and plastic table-ware. The planned menu was:

• Dinner
• hot dogs
• Cheetos
• grapes
• Breakfast
• scrambled eggs
• sausage
• tortillas

The camp-site was Hidden Cove Park in Frisco, on Lake Lewisville. We got there about 4 p.m. and quickly set up the tent (in spite of the broken pole), including the air mattress, and the cooking stuff. The cub-master had arranged for stew, but I knew that it was risking a night of whining if they didn't like it. Turns out they also provided hot dogs (which wasn't advertised). But of course, their hot dogs were grilled and my kids don't like the "brown stuff" that grilling leaves on dogs. So it's a good thing we brought our own and were prepared to boil them.

The wind was pretty heavy and as night fell it got much cooler. By the time the pack meeting was over we were ready to retreat to the comfort of our sleeping bags. That was when the lack of proper planning became most evident. Our tent is a 7' x 9' dome chosen for the kids to use in our game room. I'm not sure how they measured 7 x 9 because none of my rulers confirm it. Plus, like most domed tents the sides make about a 60° angle with the floor, so you can't really use all of the floor space anyway. The queen-sized mattress took up most of the tent. Our plan of having the wife and me on the bed and the kids on the floor quickly fell apart and 2 of 2, the smaller one, joined us on the bed.

2 of 2 fell asleep immediately, so he couldn't be too uncomfortable, but from the complaints in the morning it seems that 1 of 2 was the only one who got a truly good night's sleep.

By the time it was light I was ready to leave. The temperature had fallen into the 30's and the wind was still pretty brisk. I didn't have any gloves, had slept very poorly (pinned against the side of the tent and unable to move), and lacked any desire to fire up the camp stove and cook breakfast. So we broke camp very quickly. Didn't bother folding or rolling anything. Just picked it up in whatever wad I could, threw it into the back of the minivan, and left the rest of the campers to choke on our exhaust.

Then we got stuck at the gate, which didn't open for another 10 minutes.

We ate breakfast at La Madeleine in Plano.

Next purchase: a bigger tent. And a hat to sleep in.

Ewwww!

I just looked at my blog to see how long it had been since my last post (I know it's been a while) and was somewhat distressed to see that the advert placed by the Googleplex said

Eliminate Pubic Hair
Want that smooth clean look & feel Eliminate pubic hair guaranteed

Aren't these ads supposed to be context sensitive? If so, I can't imagine what I did to trigger this ad. Was it something I wrote in my blog? Or does surfing Yahoo and Consumer Reports and car company web sites somehow correlate with shaving your privates?

No, wait -- I think I know what did it: my posts about Merkins! Google is smarter than I look!

My Very Energetic Mother Just Served Us Nine ...

Today's big news (so far) is that the International Astronomical Union (IAU) has voted to define planet in such a way that Pluto is demoted from plain old planet, or Classical Planet, to Dwarf Planet, or Minor Planet.

I haven't been able to get to the IAU's website this morning (I guess it's overwhelmed) and the major news sites don't seem to think it is important to publish the actual definition, so I don't know if all of those terms are actually in there or if some of them are just the preferred terms of some of the astronomers at the meeting.

But what really concerns me is what the new mnemonic will be to help our children remember the names and order of the planets.

For some time now the English mnemonic has been some variation of "My Very Energetic Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas." Without Pluto (Pizzas), what will we use? What did they use before Pluto was found?

Powerless

First I was out of options. Then I was powerless.

Fortunately, the power is now restored.

This evening, at about 6:50 p.m. CDT, our power went out after flickering a couple of times. There was a mild thunderstorm in the area, but we've seen much worse without the power going out. We expected the power to return in a few seconds because it always has in the past — in 9+ years in this house we've never had a power outage longer than a minute or two, and those have been very rare.

Tonight the power was out for about an hour and a half. It finally came back when I left to buy some ice to keep food fresh in an extended outage. In hindsight, I should've gone out immediately.

Another factor which made this event more exciting was the presence of two children in the house. These things are always a much bigger deal for the kids than for the parents. It was nearing bedtime (and nightfall) and kids are much more afraid of the dark than us old folks. So 1 of 2 and 2 of 2 were running around collecting batteries and flashlights and radios and acting like we were suddenly living in the dark ages — or in Lebanon.

I can hardly wait to see what tomorrow brings!

Out of Options

Today was the day that I chose to sell the last of my stock options. Or, at least, the last of my stock options that were "above water".

I was going to have to sell in the next few months anyway, and I just didn't see anything in my crystal ball that made a significant rise in value seem probable. So, since I had the time, I plunked my dime into the pay-phone and called my friendly Stock Option Plan Administrator.

After fees and taxes I'll take home just over two grand. A far cry from the days when I bought a car with stock options, but not bad considering where this stock was selling a few months ago.

Housekeeping

I've been cleaning out my home office and came across a note, so I have to deal with it now. It said:

North Merkin
Central Merkin
South Merkin

Those of you who know me know that I enjoy it when people pronounce American as merkin, as in "Ah'm proud to a merkin!"

Makes me laugh every time.

I'm assuming, of course, that you, gentle reader, know what a merkin is. If not, let me just say that a merkin is a toupé — for the pubic area.

I can only imagine that the aforementioned note was written when I read some news item about nationalist statements in some other "Merkin" country.

So I have to wonder, what is the difference between a North Merkin, a Central Merkin, and a South Merkin? Perhaps a North Merkin is a toupé in the normal sense (i.e. on the head). A South Merkin could be a merkin in the normal sense (i.e. fake pubic hair).

Since the hair on your head is typically visible (in western countries) and the hair down there typically isn't, does that make head hair public and pubic hair non-public?

So what would a Central Merkin be? Fake chest hair? That sort of makes sense if you think of the sayings that something will "put hair on your chest" as meaning that something will make a boy into a man.

Maybe an adventurous reader will propose a mapping of fake hair in different areas to characteristics of nationalists in different parts of the Americas. Politically incorrect, to be sure, but could be humorous.

Color Blind Society?

I was recently laid off after 16 years with the same company. One of the first things my wife said was that I'd need to start dying my hair to avoid age discrimination.

Yep, my hair is almost all gray, and a great many people make the assumption that I am much older than I am. My mother-in-law even reported that she received comments about my age (relative to my wife) from relatives who had seen my wedding pictures — they simply noticed the gray and made an assumption. I was 28 and my blushing bride is only 4 years my junior. And my hair is much grayer now.

As I started looking around in job groups I saw a good many comments from people who felt that their age (50 and up) was causing them problems getting a job in a high-tech field. The comments weren't just about hair color. It was an overall perception of age.

While I'm only 44, I've frequently encountered people who express surprise and admit to thinking I was much older, because of the hair. And it comes up surprisingly frequently, probably because they think 6/10ths (my better half) must be much younger than me and they are intrigued by the prospect of ours being one of those "May-December" romances.

So I've finally decided that I'd rather not get discriminated against for something that isn't true (i.e. I'm not over 50). I got my hair dyed.

Now I have to get used to the color. It's lighter than my natural color and has a bit of a reddish cast to it. It's hard to tell if my uneasiness with it is due to the drastic change (which those who don't know me won't experience) or if the problem is with the reddish tones.

I may have to get it done darker.

RIF / Backyard Progress

The big news this week is that I got laid off on Thursday. Nothin' quite like losing your job in the middle of an expensive construction project!

I know what you're thinking: "What does getting laid off have to do with reading?" RIF is a well known acronym for the Reading Is Fundamental program, but it is also used in the corporate world to mean "Reduction In Force" — a lay off. And since acronyms become words (e.g. scuba and radar) and since any word can become a verb, to rif means to lay off. So I was riffed.

Anyway, the backyard is coming along fine. The wall and fence are up and the preliminary sprinkler work has been done. A couple of piles of dirt have been delivered and are waiting for stronger backs than mine to move them into place. That should happen Monday morning. A few last fence details are also supposed to happen Monday morning and the fence is supposed to be stained that day as well. Sounds like a busy day.

As for the lay off, my employer has a fairly generous severance package so I'm not panicking just yet. But if you know of anyone looking for an experienced senior IT kind of guy (to work in the Dallas area), please leave their contact info in a comment and I'll follow up on it.

Not the Cruddiest Anymore

As of two days ago, I no longer have the cruddiest fence on the alley. I don't have the best fence either, though that is due at least in part to the fact that I have no fence at the moment.

My old fence was getting pretty pathetic with lots of rotting cross pieces and boards falling off. It's gotten so bad in the past year or two that even screws weren't enough to reattach the boards, so I've been making periodic trips to the home improvement store to buy replacement bits. I'll bet the neighbors love the patchwork appearance!

But no more. The fence is gone and a stone wall with fence atop are being constructed. The yard behind the wall will be leveled, making for a better play space for the kids and allowing the planting of a vegetable garden when the drought is over.

The only sad thing is that the old wooden fence posts weren't rotten enough to fall over in a strong wind. If that had happened I might have been able to get insurance to pay for part of the replacement.

Windows 98SE; Rest In Peace

As of yesterday, July 11, 2006, Microsoft will no longer support or provide updates to Windows 95, 98, 98SE, or ME, even though they estimate between 50 and 70 million users are still running these operating systems.

I have only one computer left running Win98SE. It is an old Gateway tower with a 600MHz Pentium III processor. I have slower computers running XP, so I can probably upgrade, but since this is primarily the kids' computer and used mostly for running (very old) kids games I have not felt the need.

Indeed, for a month or two we had my wife's new computer using their monitor during a transition from her old notebook and we tried a couple of the kids' games on it. There were a few troubles, including programs that wouldn't run or that would crash regularly or failed in some operation (printing, saving, etc.)

We'll probably keep using this PC as is. There's nothing critical on it and the kids are well trained. Virus protection is in place and they only surf to a small number of sites that are vetted in advance by me or 6/10ths (my better half). We've never had a virus or worm, so I suspect that we'll be okay for the next 6 months or so. Heck, if I don't get laid off by my employer this August I might celebrate by buying them a new, faster computer with an LCD monitor!

On-Line Gambling Soon To Be Illegal in U.S.

Schwab Stock Drops 50%

The US house "overwhelmingly" passed new legislation this week to further clarify internet gambling laws and to curb the popular activity. Among the measures intended to thwart gamblers is a prohibition against the use of credit cards or wire transfers to pay for gambling debts.

I haven't read the law, but here's an obvious work-around: Transfer the money to an offshore account that is not (directly) related to internet gambling. Then transfer the money to your bookie.

Or here's another way: the gambling houses require you to put money up front into an account with them. You aren't paying a gambling dept because you haven't yet gambled with that money. Later, when you lose a bet the casino takes money from your account.

Oh, and of course the law exempts several types of gambling, including horse racing and state run lotteries. And the stock market, the biggest gambling operation in history.

I saw a NightLine piece this week about bodog.com. I think they guy was right when he said that if the U.S. Congress really wanted to put him out of business they would legalize internet gambling so that the big U.S. casinos could get into it. That would hurt his business more than anything, though to be fair, I suspect it would also increase the total amount of gambling being done.

It should also be noted that the measure has yet to pass the Senate. For my international readers (ha!) who aren't familiar with the way laws are made here, a law must pass both the House and the Senate and be signed by the President to become law. The Senate has shot down several recent attempts to kill internet gambling and may do so again.

Four-Eyes

The summer of 2006 will go down in my immediate family as the summer of corrective lenses.

Both of my children started wearing glasses full-time; I got VDT glasses; and both my wife and I got contact lenses.

Aside #20/20:What is it about doctors and long, hard to pronounce names? My eye doc is referred to as Dr. B. and my kids' eye doc is Dr. S., both use initials because their names are long and hard to pronounce (by those who can't say words longer than two cylinders). And our pediatrician is Dr. D.

1 of 2 joined the glass eye community in first grade when he was diagnosed with a visual information management problem and sent to Dr. S., who specializes in such things. He got some prism glasses which didn't really have any correction, but which helped his eyes track left and right. We were shocked by the effectiveness of those glasses because his reading really took off with them. Before glasses, 1 of 2 was at risk of not meeting the reading goals for 1st grade. Within a month or two he was reading at the end of 2nd grade level. But those glasses were part time usage -- only for reading and close up work. This spring we went back to Dr. S. for an exam and found out that 1 of 2 needed full-time corrective lenses.

Aside Probability: 1. Of course, those glasses got broken within the week. In hindsight, it was a certainty because they were "unbreakable". The optician demonstrated their flex steel capabilities by twisting them into a pretzel right there in the store! But the give-away was the guarantee, which included a $25 replacement charge should they actually get broken.

So then it was 2 of 2's turn for a visit to Dr. S. Just to make sure. Turns out his vision is worse than 1 of 2's! Glasses are on order.

6/10ths (my better half) went in at the beginning of summer to get some contact lenses to wear while swimming. Like me, she's nearsighted and was concerned that she couldn't see well when we went swimming with the kids. It's hard to keep an eye on them when you can't see them. We both looked into prescription goggles, but decided that they were too expensive and that you'd kind of look funny if you left them on while talking to someone at the pool. So she got some disposable soft contacts and a pair of regular goggles. She's been wearing the contacts other times as well, but dry eyes prevent her from wearing them all the time.

I also got some soft contacts for swimming, but due to some tradeoffs I can't see well enough to drive with them (except in an emergency). But they're great for swimming.

Aside 300#: One drawback of being able to see better at the pool is that I can now see the "manatees" much more clearly. I've always known they were there, and could see their large pinkish forms well enough to avoid collisions, but I was always spared the full force of their — er — beauty. No more.

The problem I have with soft contacts is three-fold: 1) I have significant astigmatism; 2) I wanted disposable lenses; and 3) the lenses I got don't go up to my correction. There are soft contacts available that can correct much of my astigmatism and go up to my power, but they aren't disposables. I don't want to hassle with cleaning, especially since I expect to occasionally go weeks to months between uses. I doubt that soft lenses can be safely stored for months after use and then be used again.

And then there is the issue of presbyopia. I have reached that age when it often becomes necessary to adapt for the shortening of my arms and the shrinking of letters. Yesterday I took delivery of special VDT glasses (VDT = Video Display Terminal). I use a computer all day long in my work and I was having to greatly increase the font size on my computer in order to avoid eye strain. I can already tell a big difference with these glasses and have been able to shrink the font on my computer to something approaching normal. This actually makes many programs much easier to use and makes many web sites possible to use. They're also great for reading.

Unfortunately, my VDT glasses don't work so well for watching TV. I like to work the crossword from the newspaper while watching the news on TV, but I don't yet have any glasses that make it easy to do both at the same time. I can use my regular glasses to watch TV or I can use my VDT glasses to do the crossword. In August I'll be eligible for new lenses in my regular glasses and plan to get bi-focals. Sigh. I guess I'll have to sign up with AARP soon.

Interest Rates, Inflation, and the Economy

I'm getting very worried about the economy. In the past year or so the cost of energy has jumped quite a bit (no, really), upsetting the balance of many budgets.

The jump is severe enough that something has to be done to bring the overall budget back into line. The something, for companies, is to raise prices. The something, for laborers, is to ask for a pay raise, which will, of course, require employers to raise prices a bit more.

Some employers have other options, like investing in technology to boost productivity. But that often requires borrowing money and this is where the Fed comes in as the managers of interest rates.

To be fair, what the Fed manages is actually just the interest rate used by banks borrowing money overnight (or something like that). But this rate trickles down (isn't that a Laffer?) to other rates, including home mortgages, home improvement loans, and business loans.

The Fed adjusts this key interest rate as a control on inflation. They raise it to stop inflation and lower it to spur business growth.

So the business that wants to invest in technology to use in the US may find itself having to pay higher interest rates because the Fed wants to prevent inflation.

Do you see the conflict yet? In order to avoid raising prices (inflation) a company wants to invest in technology that will boost productivity, but can't because they can't afford the interest rates that the Fed is jacking up.

So what happens? Well, for some companies they are now forced to another option: off-shoring. Yep, you can invest in new technology in another country for less money (especially when factoring in the lower labor costs over there).

Good-bye jobs. Good-bye middle class. Thanks a lot, Fed.

I would argue instead that inflation can be a good thing in limited quantities. For example, the government isn't upset about inflation of 2 to 3 percent. I would also suggest that inflation which simply brings the cost of energy back into line isn't a problem either.

To be sure, inflation is hard for those on fixed or very low incomes. But since the government has a pretty good grasp on those they can be dealt with: Raise the minimum wage; raise benefits for entitlement programs (e.g. social security, welfare, etc.).

So long as inflation is simply to address rebalancing, it shouldn't be a disaster. And I fear that the alternative will be worse as the economy grinds to a screeching halt.

I am reminded of the axiom which says that everything looks like a nail if your only tool is a hammer. The Fed needs some vision correction.

Nausea

Yesterday was a rough day. Have you ever stood up quickly and become light-headed or dizzy? It usually goes away after a few seconds. But yesterday morning I got up from my desk to go to the bathroom and the dizziness didn't go away.

I managed to complete my bio-break without incident and returned to my desk, but quickly went into the kitchen (I'm a telecommuter, so I was at home) and got a bowl, then went to sit down on the couch.

By now the room was spinning quite out of control, which made me nauseated and, predictably, led to the Total™ loss of my breakfast (Total™ cereal and a banana). I was so dizzy and off balance that I almost fell off the couch (I was sitting).

The room finally stabilized a few minutes later, though the dizziness persisted in a lower state for some hours. After that I was woozy for the remainder of the day and am still not 100%.

Then came the Tonight Show. Jay sent Kelly Pickler, of Merkin Idle fame, to interview celebs on the red carpet outside the MTV Movie Awards (?).

OHMYGOD! This woman makes Jessica Simpson look smart! I predict that she will become very rich and get maximum media saturation for the next year or so, then drop (mercifully) from sight when she runs out of new ways to demonstrate her idiocy.

One example: she talked to some guy whom I've never seen before (I'm not a celebrity watcher) and he asked her if she'd ever hugged a Jewish person before. She admitted that she had not and asked him for a hug. While hugging she looks at the camera and says, "I've just hugged my first Jew!". Then, after letting go, she attempted to CROSS HERSELF! She botched it horribly, then asked the Jewish guy if she'd done it right! She thought she was making some sort of Jewish sign!

I almost tossed my cookies again.

May: The Holiday Month

May must be the Latin word for Holiday because this month seems to be chock full of them.

First we had May Day (May 1), which leftist leaning countries use to celebrate the oppression of the common worker for the benefit of the ruling party and people who can goose-step in unison. This year the first of May was also used to commemorate the rights of people to sneak into countries they hate (and which hate them right back).

Next came Cinco de Mayo (May 5), a mostly U.S. celebration of the native Mexicans winning a battle against the French on the way to losing the war. But it fits in with the collective alcoholic tendencies of Americans (motto: "I'll drink to that!"). Notice that Americans are also very fond of St. Patrick's Day and OctoberFest. The common theme is that the cultures associated with these holidays are all known for their beer. I cannot recall a French themed holiday, which seems fitting because the French aren't known for their beer.

In a couple of days we get to celebrate Mother's Day (May 14 this year, but different Sundays in other years), in which we celebrate the oppression of women for the propagation of the species and the benefit of, well, men. 'Nuff said.

Then, at the end of the month we have Memorial Day (May 29, I think). I'm sure that Memorial Day commemorates something, but no one seems to be able to remember what. Some memorial! As with most holidays, Memorial Day, which has been stretched into a whole weekend, requires the consumption of copious quantities of alcohol.

Jim: "Hey, Bob, what did we do last Memorial Day?"
Bob: "I don't remember, but it must've been fun!"
Jim: "I'll drink to that!"

So maybe Memorial Day is to commemorate all the brain (memory) cells which lose their lives each Memorial Day.

Oh, and Memorial Day marks when ladies and old men can begin wearing white patent leather shoes and light colored clothing. They have to stop on Labor Day.

Are there any other holidays in this month?

(Obligatory?) Knee-Jerk Reaction

Since I live in one of the reddest counties in Texas (and the richest), it is my duty, if not always my reflex, to respond in a knee-jerk fashion from time to time. To whit: HOMOPHONES.

I learned yesterday that my school is teaching my third grader about HOMOPHONES! What on God's green earth is a HOMOPHONE and why are they teaching my children about it? Just because I don't home school and can't afford to send my children to a private (Christian) school doesn't mean that I subscribe to the gay agenda and want the schools to brainwash my kids.

But of course, I don't want to appear ignerrent so I'm gonna do some googling to figure out exactly what a HOMOPHONE is.

Aside <B>: Whoever figured out that typing a thing in all caps is an effective way of showing that it is evil was brilliant!

Of course, the key to successful googling is to make some informed guesses about the thing you are searching for and include those terms in your google search. That makes the most relevant links show up at the top of the first page. Therefore, I am going to search for the following sets of terms:

• GAY PHONE
• GAY PHONE SEX
• HOMO PHONE SEX
• HOMO HAND SEX

I won't post the results here because they are too disturbing for a child-friendly blog like mine.

Aside #14 bids:Apparently EBay is involved in the sale of GAY PHONE SEX services (and its variants) because every one of my google searches had a link near the top which said something like "Looking for GAY PHONE SEX? Get it on EBay!"

A little more searching proved what we've all known instinctively for a long time: the arts in general and the lingual arts in particular, are pushing the gay agenda.

Aside #20-to-life:Do you really think the similarity between cunning linguists and cunnilingus is a coincidence?

For example, in addition to HOMOPHONES, English teachers seem to have a fixation on HOMONYMS. The difference between a HOMOPHONES and HOMONYMS is similar to that between LESBIANS and GAYS: all LESBIANS are GAY but not all GAYS are LESBIANS.

Anyway, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this HOMOPHONE stuff and make sure that they stop teaching it in our schools!

Uno de Mayo

Today is the day when a large number of immigrants are supposed to:

• not show up for work, or
• not buy anything, or
• both.

I am slightly bothered by this. First, they're trying to mingle illegal and legal immigration. Second, they're ignoring the problem of unemployment or underemployment in this country. Third, they're ignoring the plight of illegal immigrants. And finally, they are ignoring the national security issues with our borders.

Disclosure #1:Some of my own ancestors came to this country without the permission of the host government. That was in the 1650's and the Powhantan Nation had quite a bit of trouble with the illegal immigrants in what is now called Virginia.

We also need to get one thing straight: the US is a country of immigrants, and a lot of them arrived without proper permission beforehand (some even without their own permission). These immigrants have contributed greatly to this country, and immigration is still beneficial to the US.

But ...

We clearly cannot take in all of the poor of the world. We ain't that rich and we don't have that much land. So there have to be some limits. Once you have limits you have the issue of illegal immigrants and what to do with them. If you just keep saying, "Oh, well. I guess you can stay" then you basically have no limits.

Then, of course, we have a lot of unemployed and underemployed Americans. Even though the official unemployment rate is very low (less than 5%), it is believed by economists that a lot of people who would like to work have given up. These people are not counted as unemployed. The changing economy has also moved a lot of good paying jobs to lower wage countries and forced millions of people to find lower paying jobs.

Even highly educated people, like engineers are finding themselves in new fields because they can't find jobs. Of course, that doesn't keep Gates and Co. from pushing for more visas for foreign engineers. Hey, it's just business!

But even at the lower end, Hurricane Katrina gave us many examples of Americans who rushed to work in the cleanup effort, only to get fired when the illegals arrived (many brand spanking new to the country) to work for less pay, no benefits, and willing to tolerate absolute squalor.

Which leads me to the treatment of illegals. Illegal immigrants are exploited by American business. They are paid less, they get no benefits, and they work in dangerous conditions -- all because they can't complain. They are also victims of more crime because they are afraid to call the police.

And then there is the issue of those newly manufactured kewler bombs and other weapons of terrorism.

Aside #238: Why are we so obsessed with new kewler bombs? Are the old ones less dangerous in some way? Or are they so big and cumbersome that we don't think they could be smuggled in?

Some are calling for a fence along the border with Mexico. Opponents like to show pictures of chain link fences (some quite tall) and how easily they are penetrated. Funny, but no one seems to show fences like the one the Israelis are building.

Of course, a wall isn't the final answer. We'd have to build one across Canada as well, for one thing. And we'd have to monitor it closely enough to stop people from climbing it. And we'd have to do something to secure the coastline. And we'd have to monitor border crossings, airports, and shipping more closely. But I reject the idea that we can't do any of these things simply because we cannot do all of them currently or perfectly. We need to try harder to keep out those who wish to do us harm and the tools they would like to use. And we can't do that if we don't have better control of who is coming in.

Right now, the tremendous bulk of illegal immigration comes across our Mexican border. Given the poverty of those who cross, it makes sense that making that crossing more difficult will price it out of range for at least some. It also pushes more illegal immigrants and imports to ports and crossings where we might have a better chance of catching it. Or maybe we will in the future.

Disclosure #2: I'm glad that the immigrant who cleans my house every other week showed up for work today, though I wouldn't have fired her if she didn't. She's here legally and we believe that we pay her about the same as other legal immigrants in this line of work (we used to have a caucasian doing this job, and she made about the same money).

In response to today's protests, I propose that all persons legally in the country boycott the upcoming Cinco de Mayo celebrations.

Revenge of the Nerds

I think the nerds are out to get us. Or at least to scare the pants off us. Case in point, the periodic scares of impending doom from

• volcanoes
• tsunamis
• hurricanes
• tornados (they're not just for trailer parks anymore)
• meteors
• CMEs (Coronal Mass Ejections)

Add to the list, GRBs (Gamma Ray Bursts) from black holes or colliding neutron stars. GRBs are also called "Interstellar Death Rays" by the media, who seem to be involved in the plot with the nerds.

Odd, isn't it, that two groups that probably wouldn't have had anything to do with each other in high school have teamed up to get their revenge on the rest of the community?

But we can now relax because the nerds have examined more data and decided that the risk of earth being hit by a GRB is pretty small. Now we can go back to watching the jocks on TV.

Mel Ott?

My local rag, The Plano Star Courier, runs the NEA crossword puzzle. I've been working them for the past few months and have noticed that certain words come up again and again. The repetition doesn't really bother me but some of the words they choose to repeat do kind of grate, and they did so the first time they showed up.

One repeated word, actually two related words, are "MEL" and "OTT", as in "Mel Ott", the baseball player. I have nothing against Mr. Ott — he is a hall of famer, after all — but he hasn't played in almost 60 years and the clue is usually something like "baseball slugger." Gee, who pops to the top of your mind when you hear the phrase "baseball slugger"? Maybe a current player like Sammy Sosa or Barry Bonds (he's in the news a lot). Maybe Ted Williams, whose season home run record was smashed a few years ago by Androstenedione and other pharmaceuticals, or Hank Aaron or Babe Ruth? But Mel Ott? Give me a break!

Then there is one of my real favorites: "MOMA Artist". If you don't already know it, MOMA is New York's Museum Of Modern Art. Gee, how many artists have work on display there right now? Maybe a permanent collection? Go ahead and look at the web site and see if you can figure out who they mean.

The answer is KLEE. You found that name straight away, didn't you? Me, too.

Not in the realm of repeats, but certainly in the "you gotta be kidding" arena: MHO. Yes, MHO. The clue was "electrical unit". If you randomly asked me what a mho was I could actually have told you (the inverse of ohms) because I was an electrical engineering major for a couple of years in college, but what the hell are mhos doing in a syndicated crossword puzzle? The only way most people will get that is by getting all the crossing words (actually, that's how I got it). You can't even make the excuse that you're expanding someone's vocabulary (literary or cultural) because mhos will never come up in casual conversation.

I'll close with a few of my other favorite repeats: "ELS" (urban commuter trains), "ESS" (curve in the road), "CEE" (average grade).

22K and Counting (Slowly)

Way back on February 21, 2005 CE, I blogged about crossing 160,000 furlongs on the ol' oh-dough-meter. At that point, I was racking them up at the rate of roughly 1300 furlongs per fortnight.

Tomorrow morning the meter will turn over once more to three zeros on the right, this time to 176,000 furlongs (16,000 more than when I last blogged on this topic).

If you'll recall, the price of gasoline spiked to over $3 per gallon last fall (and is flirting with that price once more). You might also recall that my V-hickle averages about 80 furlongs per gallon of petrol. Naturally, I've cut back on my driving a bit and drive the castration-mobile more frequently (my wife's minivan). This reduction in use of the truck is reflected in the turning of the mile markers.

So I now seem to be averaging about 533 and a third; RPM — er — furlongs per fortnight. That's a decrease of nearly 60 percent from the previous rate. If this continues, and if 1 of 2 takes over this vehicle, it may have only 272,000 furlongs on it!

Then again, he may not be able to afford to drive it.

Where to Point the Finger

In many cases it is hard to figure out what causes some malady, though that doesn't seem to matter to legislators and other do-gooders.

Aside #4 out of 5: If someone does something bad in an attempt to do something good, are they still a do-gooder or are they now an evil-doer? Or can we coin a new name, a do-gooder-evil-doer?

Further muddying the waters is the difficulty of figuring out whether something is good or bad. An Israeli company has produced a kosher cell phone. That's right, kosher. It's a cell phone that only makes calls. No web, no games, no text messaging, no video, no camera. They consider all the of those extras to be evil because they make it easier to do or access evil things. But many people really like those features and don't do things with them that they think are bad. So are these features good or bad?

Which got me to thinking about the causality side of these features: if one goes blind wanking off to porn viewed on a cell phone display, was it the wanking off or the eye-strain which caused the blindness?

Shitty Venue

The wife and I went to the Meyerson this past Sunday for a concert. As usual, it was freezing in there. Uncharacteristically, my wife forgot to bring a jacket. So at intermission, while I was buying some refreshments, she bolted for the outdoors.

When I got outside she was returning, all hunched over and warning others to stay out from under the trees.

You see, the smokers also go outside and she was trying to get past them to fresher air. That took her under a canopy of trees full of grackles fresh from the fields. The grackles were settling down for the night and performing their pre-bedtime constitutionals. She got hit twice: once on the head and once on the shoulder (a black blouse).

01:02:03 04/05/06

By now you've all seen the news that shortly after 1 o'clock this morning the time and date could be written as 01:02:03 04/05/06.

I saw one email that said that it would never happen again.

Oh, yeah?

• What about this afternoon? I don't use a 24-hour clock, so 01:02:03 will occur in the p.m. as well


• What about next month? Most of the world writes the date in the form day/month/year, so for them the 4th of May will be written as 04/05/06


• What about every hundred years? The 04/05/06 example is omitting the century designation — is that going to change in 2100?

As for me, I think I'll just party like it's 1999.

Taxes Away!

Last year we filed an extension and struggled to file before the extended deadline. This year was better and we mailed it off yesterday.

Yes, mailed.

It seems that if you are too charitable you can't file electronically. Specifically, if you need more than two copies of form 8283, Noncash Charitable Contribution, then you must mail in your taxes forms.

The problem is that each time you give things away, whether it's gifts for the "Angel Tree" at XMAS time, or canned goods to the food bank, or used clothing and household goods to the many organizations that leave plastic bags on your door, you get a receipt and take up one line of form 8283. And each form 8283 can only record five (5) such donations. We went to four forms 8283 this year.

Next year we will give things away in fewer chunks.

Slip Slidin' Away

Got some new bowling shoes this weekend. I'm gonna try 'em out on Monday in league play.

My old shoes were getting really old. The leather uppers looked like the bottom of a dry lake bed and the leather sliding surface wasn't always sliding. Last Monday, in particular, was very tough. I couldn't get a decent slide through the whole first game and it was throwing me off balance and putting extra stress on my back. After the first game I bought some "Ultra Glide" at the pro shop and that helped a lot, but the damage was done. It took me most of the second game to recover, which is my excuse for another poor game.

Anyway, the old shoes were starting to make noise when I walked, they looked terrible, and the sliding surface was very worn. I don't know how old they are, but I think they're at least 8 years old. So I guess spending $25 on new ones isn't too extravagant.

EBay Through 6-Year Old Eyes

I returned from bowling last night to the news that my 6-year old son, 2 of 2, had fallen in love with an item on EBay. So in love, to be specific, that he was willing to spend his own money on it.

How do you explain EBay to a 6-year old? In the past, purchases have been governed by how much money you have and by priorities. For example, I have $10, would I rather have this crap or that crap?

From time to time we also have to deal with limited product availability. But that is, at least, a fairly discreet issue: it's in stock or it's not. If it's in stock you get it at the advertised price. If not, you don't get it.

But with EBay we introduce competition. It's in stock, but two or more people want it. How much is it? Wrong question. How much are you willing to pay?

Last night the object of desire was $19.01 and the auction was set to end at 8:17 this morning. This morning the new high bid was $22.50. He still wanted it, even at the higher price. So we bid $23 only to discover that the previous high bidder had an even higher maximum price.

Aside #Going once, twice, SOLD: A few years ago you had to manually bid up the price. But now it is automatic. You can still do it manually, or you can enter your the max you're willing to pay and let the system automatically increase your bid in response to competing bids.

We played the manual bid process a couple of times until the new high bid was $25. 2 of 2 still wanted the item and decided that $30 was the most he could afford (plus $8 shipping was all he had in his piggy bank). So we entered a bid at $30.

CONGRATULATIONS! You have the high bid at $27.00

So now we were on pins and needles for the remaining 9 minutes and 30 seconds of the auction. Would anyone else bid? Would the person we so recently beat enter a new maximum bid amount?

We must have refreshed that screen a dozen times in those few minutes. But as with all things, it came to an end. And in the end we had "won" the auction.

I hope we haven't unleashed a monster.

W was right?

Following the release of video of the Presidential briefing the day before Katrina hit the US Gulf Coast, one can make the case that Bush was correct when he made his famous statement, "Brownie, you're doing a heckuva job."

The video shows that Brownie had a solid understanding of the situation and expressed his concerns to the President. You get the distinct sense that Brownie understood that there were neither all the right types nor all the right amounts of resources in place to handle highly likely events. I imagine that, had he had the authority, he would have directed a much different response.

So Brownie was doing the best job that could be done given his authority. Maybe we were too quick to denigrate his prior experience as head of the Doogie Howser Fan Club, or whatever it was. And maybe his current gig doing disaster planning consulting isn't the farce that we've been lead to believe.

Doctor's Notes

2 of 2 has been sick a lot this year. He is in kindergarten in public school and has missed so many days (15) that we, his parents or guardians, were called in for a meeting this morning.

I was expecting the principal, his teacher, and maybe the attendance czar from the school district. Instead, we faced the principal, all five kindergarten teachers, two student teachers, and the school counselor. The room was pretty crowded! But there was no attendance czar.

The optimist in me says that these kinds of meetings are necessary because some parents treat school as optional, allowing their kids to skip school for all manner of reasons. Or maybe the parents don't realize that their kids aren't going to school. So these meetings may be educational for the parents (e.g. whose kids are skipping without their knowledge) or necessary to keep the kids from falling behind academically, eventually dropping out and facing a life of one dead end job after another until they end up in prison.

The pessimist in me says that since public school funding is tied to attendance, the schools are cracking down because it hits their bottom line. They're only in it for the money.

The realist in me says that it is a combination of the two. Like it or not, money is needed to keep the school operating and excessive absences impact the schools' ability to perform their job for the other kids — the ones who do come. And for most kids, and most grades, attendance is critical to success.

But 2 of 2 is not most kids and kindergarten is not most grades. The primary goals of kindergarten are to get kids ready for first grade by making sure they can count, know their letters, and are at "pre-reading" level (whatever that is). 2 of 2 could count to 100 before school started, and can do basic arithmetic already. He is reading at nearly the 2nd grade level now and was recommended by his teacher for PACE (the school district's gifted program), to which he was accepted.

So academically, 2 of 2 is not just doing well, he's doing great.

And he really has been sick a lot this year. What am I supposed to do? Send him to school when he's sick so he can get other kids sick? Doesn't that turn 1 absence into many? Wouldn't that cost the district more money?

Well, it turns out that we learned something. There is a magic thing called a "doctor's note" which seems to mollify the school about absences. We've been sending our kids to this school for nearly 4 years (1 of 2 is in 3rd grade now) and have never heard of doctor's notes. The pediatrician has never offered us one. The teachers have never asked for one. We send in the required note explaining each absence when the child returns and it has always been good enough.

Of course, there is still the issue of illness which doesn't result in a doctor's visit. A large number of doctor's visits end with the doctor saying that it's a viral thing and it will just have to run its course. So we don't take our kids to the doctor unless they have certain symptoms or don't seem to be able to shake it off.

But we'll get the doctor to go back through their files and fax a summary to the school of how many times they saw 2 of 2, and that should get the district off our back. And we'll ask for notes from now on. And maybe we'll enrich the doctor a bit more, just so that we'll have a note.

It's all a big game and you have to know the rules to succeed (or not fail). The problem is finding out the rules.

Olympic Ratings

The NBC brain-trust is probably wondering why TV ratings for the winter Olympics are so low. They'll probably blame Merkin Idol and peer-to-peer networks and global warming — the usual suspects. But I think it is bone-headed programming.

I'm not watching the winter Olympics because all I get on broadcast are highlights. Guess what, I got those several hours earlier on the internet. Why should I watch them again?

What would get me to tune in would be more varied coverage of the entire Olympic Games, or at least detailed coverage of the most popular sports.

So if they want to show figure skating, show us all of it. Yes, I'd like to see the skater from Equatorial Guinea. Merkins like to see crashes (Nascar ratings are pretty good aren't they?). And if you can't do that, how about getting up close and personal with the athletes you do feature? You know what I'm talking about: I'd like a little spice added to the coverage to keep it interesting. They can start by stopping that idiotic practice of changing the camera angle every time a figure skater is skating backwards toward the camera. You know what I'm talking about.

Then again, since I don't have paid TV I may be missing interesting coverage that is already there. But somehow I suspect that what you're really getting on cable's Olympic coverage is more idiotic banter between Katie and Jim and fawning interviews with Merkin athletes asking the same tired questions that fawning reporters have always asked. Yawn. I'm gonna switch back to FOX — I hear they're going to show a selection of the worst tryouts for Merkin Idol!

Windows is better?

One area that Linux geeks usually have to concede superiority to Windows is the handling of multimedia. Many of the codecs are closed source and some are unavailable to Linux users.

I recently got an old, used notebook which had a DVD player and decided to try to get it to play DVDs. It had been loaded with WinME and had the DVD software bundled with it. But everyone I talk to says that WinME is a poor OS and so I decided to install WinXP.

After several trips to the Windows Update site and many reboots (why, oh why, can't they just download all the updates I need in one swell foop and install them just once?) I confirmed that WinXP cannot play DVDs. The rescue disks for WinME were constructed in such a way that I could not install the DVD player software from them without reloading WinME. Full blown DVD player software costs about $50, but an article (at Microsoft, no less), claimed that I could buy the codecs unbundled for about $15 and use them with Windows Media Player. The software companies actually did this and were happy to take my $15.

I installed the codec as described and now Windows Media Player was able to recognize the DVD in the drive (telling me the title, etc.). But it couldn't play it. Every time I tried I got a message about an error and having to close ... so sorry. Internet searches for a solution (including the codec vendor's support page) proved futile, as did removing and reinstalling the software, downgrading Windows Media Player, reupgrading, rebooting -- all in various combinations.

Then, I decided to try RealPlayer. It hadn't worked before I bought the codec, but it was worth a shot now that I had a codec. It worked!

So I happily took my new old laptop on a business trip. But when I tried to play my DVD it didn't work. Same error as Windows Media Player was giving. WMP didn't work either. So I rebooted into Linux and decided to give it a try, not expecting success, but it doesn't hurt to try. Guess what? Linux (totem) played it just fine.

Scratch one more thing off the list for why I need to load Windows on my machines.

Assume The Position!

"When the flight attendant yells "brace", assume the crash position."

I'm not sure how many times that message came over the loud speaker, but the pilot must have finally told them to stop it because we never got the order.

I was flying into DFW airport on United flight 702 early Friday afternoon (February 10) when the pilot came on the intercom to explain why we were flying in circles rather than landing: our flaps wouldn't go down. This isn't exactly an emergency, and the pilot sounded quite calm and unconcerned. The flaps, when deployed, generate additional lift (and drag). The extra lift is useful when landing because it means that you can fly slower, requiring less braking and/or a shorter amount of runway.

So without flaps we were going to be going a bit faster at touchdown — 170 knots instead of 140. The biggest risk, according to the pilot, was that the brakes would overheat and catch on fire. In that case there was a small chance that we would need to evacuate the plane and so the flight attendants were going to be reviewing emergency exit procedures. In the meantime, we were circling to burn off excess fuel to lighten the load. Less weight means that you need less lift which means that you can, again, land at a lower speed.

Then the flight attendants took over and the tone of voice couldn't have been more different. They sounded TERRIFIED!

Aside #2500°F: Jet Blue was recently in the news with landing gear problems. Afterwards the passengers noted how good the flight attendants were in keeping them calm. I guess that's the difference between a top tier airline and a cut-rate one.

Aside #200USD: Another difference between the top tier airlines and the cut rate ones is that the cut rate airlines have a TV in the back of each seat so that you can watch your own (potential) disaster as it unfolds. Not that our situation rated national coverage. (And we didn't have TVs.)

We were told to take off our glasses and put them into the pouch in the seatback in front of us, along with any pens or other objects in shirt or jacket pockets. We were also instructed in the proper crash position and the flight attendants went row by row asking us to demonstrate the position and to ensure compliance with the instructions regarding glasses and such. They also reviewed exit door locations (row by row) and recruited helpers for the evacuation.

Then, of course, were the periodic and frantic sounding announcements to go into our crash positions when the flight attendants yelled "BRACE!" This all went on for between 20 and 30 minutes.

When the rubber hit the road, so to speak, it didn't seem to me like we were going particularly fast, though the braking seemed slightly lighter than normal. I suppose they were trying to avoid overheating the brakes. It was also one of the smoother landings I've experienced. The pilot did a good job.

We stopped at the end of the runway (or maybe we turned just off it) so that our brakes could be inspected by the airport fire fighters. They then followed us all the way to the terminal. Perhaps there was a chance that the brakes could still burst into flames with the additional strain of braking during taxiing and parking at the gate. To my knowledge, there was no fire.

And, thankfully, we never got the order to BRACE or to evacuate the plane.

Hilton On The Way Down

In the case of Paris, going down is nothing new. I guess it isn't for the hotel chain, either. Hilton used to be the standard for a really nice hotel in most of America. Several years ago Hilton's reputation started to decline, but they've been clawing their way back, or so I thought, more recently.

Well, it doesn't seem to have caught up to the one in Fremont, CA.

What sets one hotel apart from another is usually the small things. And this is really where this particular Hilton fails.

For example, when I inquired at the desk about internet access, they had to write the authentication directions manually. And they weren't unique to me (unless newark/newark just happened to be the login/password generated for me).

They also didn't have a local street map. Neither at the front desk nor at the bellman's stand. And neither the front desk worker nor the bellman spoke English as their native language and both had enough of an accent that they were hard to understand when they tried to give me directions verbally. And this at a hotel that caters to business travelers?

In the room there was a switch to turn on a light right at the front door, but the hallway from the front door to the main part of the room was long enough that it was hard to see around the room. And there wasn't another switch anywhere to turn on lights in the main room.

Similarly, there was no light for an area that included the closet and some odd shelf (which also had no plugs and was about 40" high and had no storage underneath it).

Nothing major. But not what I would have expected from a Hilton. I won't be back.

Airport Toilets

If you had asked me when I first got started in this thing (the blogosphere — a term I loath) what I would and would not write about, public toilets wouldn't have made either list because they are generally quite far from my general consciousness. Oh, I notice aspects of them from time to time, but almost always because they are either exceptionally grotesque or because they are exceptionally opulent (which, I suppose, is a form of grotesqueness in its own right).

Rarely, however, do I notice a new "why hasn't anyone ever thought of that before" kind of feature. But this week I came across what I consider to be one of those features and instantly knew I would be writing about it.

It is a ledge behind the toilet (or urinal) in a public bathroom. Why is this interesting? Because I need some place to put my umbrella / briefcase / drink / crack pipe — whatever I am carrying when I need to use the facilities.

I don't want to leave things on a "community" ledge like I find in some public restrooms. And why are those community ledges always near the door? Did the restroom thief lobby pay off the owner to make it easier to make their getaway? Or are they really poorly labeled baby changing stations?

Neither do I want to place things on the floor in the stall or even on the floor next to me when using a urinal. Both places are disgustingly filthy and anywhere beside or behind me at a urinal leaves my things rather exposed, so to speak. :-)

Aside #1: There's a topic for Dilbert™ or a TV comedy: a businessman is doing his business at the urinal with his computer bag on the floor beside him. A thief grabs the bag and runs, quickly followed by the businessman who fears the exposure of the data on his computer but forgets the other things which are now exposed.

Aside #2: Did you notice that the numbers on these tangential comments are not merely enumerative, but also punny in the bathroom context?

The solution is to have a ledge / shelf on the wall behind the toilet or urinal. In the toilet stall case the ledge should be relatively clean because it is (one hopes) safe from toilet overflows. It is also safe from people reaching under or over the door (to grab things from the floor or hook).

In the case of a ledge / shelf behind (over?) the urinal, again we are safe from overflow (and splash), and it will be harder for someone to reach over my shoulder to grab my things, thereby making them safer from theft.

I saw the toilet stall ledges in a restroom in the San Jose airport this week. They didn't have the urinal ledges. But I hope that both of these features become popular.

Science Fair

It's all over but the crying. Science Fair projects were due this morning and we got them completed by bed-time last night.

1 of 2, like all third graders, was required to do a science project this year. Entering it into the Science Fair was optional, but since the requirements were the same I cannot imagine anyone not doing it.

1 of 2 chose to work with a friend (F of 1 of 2) on a project. They each had their own log book and report, but collaborated on a display (project board). 2 of 2 worked solo.

I knew that getting 1 of 2 and F of 1 of 2 together to work on their project was going to be like herding cats, so we started early. And it's a good thing we did because F of 1 of 2, unlike 1 of 2, is not a free-range child. His schedule is very full and our work time was always restricted by another activity. Science does not like to be rushed and restricted. Then again, the attention span of your average third grader isn't conducive to much science, either. The optimist in me will say that the lessons learned from the failed experiments are as valuable as those learned from the successful ones. The pessimist in me says that the paperwork requirements of these projects seem designed to snuff out any interest the students may have in science. Perhaps it is part of a plot by supporters of intelligent design?

2 of 2 was more enthusiastic. Perhaps it was because doing the science project was optional in kindergarten. But he, too, had his periods of waning interest. 2 of 2's project was also delayed while 1 of 2 and F of 1 of 2 were in the "lab" and again by a series of illnesses. As a result we were a bit rushed for time in that we couldn't take any days off in the last week. And mom had to help with the last bit of the project board when I had to go to my bowling league. But it got done.

The next problem is that they are both convinced that they are going to win first place and go on to district! I hope they won't be too crushed when the Asian kid with the overbearing parent or the white kid whose dad did 90% of the experiment and 100% of the display ends up winning.

Ahh, The Simple Life

No, not that wretched show featuring two spoiled rotten brats. I'm referring to my newly simplified telephone wiring, now that aDSL service has finally been turned off.

In early December I subscribed to Verizon's FiOS service and have blogged about it several times. Last week I blogged about the termination of my Earthlink DSL account. But even though my Earthlink account was dead, the carrier, for lack of a better term, was still active on my phone line. I know this because the DSL modem still had green lights for the "modem" and "data" indicators.

The reason this is important is that my DSL installation used in-line filters on all of my telephones. You see, DSL shares the same copper wire that provides your phone service, but uses frequencies that are not normally used by voice communications. In order for these two services to co-exist on the same wire you have to plug each telephone into a special dohickey and plug that dohickey into the wall. I'm not exactly sure what would happen if you didn't use the dohickey, but I've never been willing to risk the ire of my wife should the worst happen and my phone got fried. After all, I do have to sleep and we have sharp knives in the house.

Anywho, in my office I have two phone lines (line 2 has the DSL on it) connected in various combinations to 4 devices: a single line phone, a two-line phone, a fax machine, and the DSL modem. The tangle of splitters (and joiners), pair switches, and filter is rather scary.

Today, 7 days after Earthlink stopped accepting my username and password, the modem and data lights have gone dark. With any luck this means that the DSL service has been completely disconnected and I can remove the filters and tangle of wires, replacing them with a single two-line splitter.

I'm so happy! It's the simple things in life that give us the most joy. <sniff>

Next Blog

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. From time to time the subject of blogs comes up in conversation and 98.37 percent of the people don't know what a blog is (43.78% have never heard the term).

Aside #rand(): 95% of all stated percentages in all published studies are lower than 82%, which is the number of statistics that are completely made up. This makes the 98.37% number stated above a relatively rare result and, therefore, highly significant.

After learning what a blog is, most people wonder why anyone in their right mind would want to write one and what sort of person they (bloggers) might be?

Aside #2: Very few people consider me to be in my right mind.

The first assumption is that bloggers must be very self-centered. This assumption is supported by a general impression that everyone is more concerned about getting their 15 minutes of fame than in doing anything worthwhile. Even fame for doing something stupid or badly seems to be okay. If it weren't, where do reality shows, small claims court shows, and Jerry Springer find people?

Another data point supporting the self-centered conclusion can be found right here on blogger by clicking on the "Next Blog" button at the top of this post. How many blogs can you find this way? Not very many before you find someone who has sent the blogger header into oblivion with custom CSS. Why do people do this? It seems to me to be an attention grabbing technique. "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! NO! DON'T GO! STAY HERE AND READ MY BLOG!

I'm disappointed when someone doesn't have the "Next Blog" button. I sometimes like to click it to see what is out there. Occasionally (though not often) you can find something interesting. But my stroll down the blogging avenue rarely goes more than a half dozen clicks before I am tripped up by someone who has dug up the sidewalk.

Like I said, I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

No Spam (Yet)

I've had my new internet connection, with its new email address, for a month now and have yet to receive a single piece of spam. Heck, the only email that account has received at all were a couple of test messages I sent on the first day.

To what do I owe this tremendous success? Well, for starters I haven't sent anyone email with the account in question (and no, I won't divulge the address here).

I did, in a moment of temporary insanity, use the email address when creating an account at an e-tailer. I was at a kiosk in the B&M instantiation of the business and wanted to buy something. This particular merchant is almost a pure play internet business, but does allow locals to walk in and buy things without having them shipped. The trick is that you still buy from the internet (hence the kiosks). Anyway, their shopping cart requires that you have an account and login to buy anything. I use unique passwords with all of my accounts and record them on yellow sticky notes on the underside of my keyboard. But since I wasn't home I couldn't look under my keyboard, so I was sort of stuck. So I created the new account.

That was less than a week ago, and I suppose it will take a while before the virus grows enough to be detected. But for now I am still blissfully free of symptoms and so I will continue to live my life as always.

As a point of comparison, I had an account with Earthlink for about four years and never used that account for any e-commerce, memberships, sweepstakes, bulletin boards, etc. But it got spam regularly. I don't recall how long it took for it to start getting spam, though.

It is known that spammers try random user names with known domain names, hoping for a hit. So it's a really bad idea to register a user name like "smith". I suppose that's how they hit on my earthlink address. Oddly, many people add supposedly random numbers to the end of their user names in the hopes that this will ward off the spammers. But if the spammers can send a million messages at no cost, what's to stop them from sending to every possible variation of "smitty1053280@aol.com"?

Another thing, we know that spam email written in HTML has a couple of tricks to verify your address, like including a graphic with a link of the form

<img src="http://spam.com/dot.gif?joey104338@hotmail.com">

That's why I use POP and an email program that doesn't display HTML (unless I want it to). But lots of people just love webmail and the providers seem blissfully unconcerned that they are exposing their users to more spam by not giving them the option to render messages in plain text. Maybe they get more users by touting their anti-spam features, and that is only effective if the users get lots of spam unless they turn on the anti-spam feature.

So Long

"So long, and thanks for all the fish."
                  -- the dolphins
                  in "The Hitchhiker's
                  Guide to the Galaxy"
                  by Douglas Adams

Today marks the end of my relationship with Earth(link), so the good-bye of the dolphins as they depart the Earth in Douglas Adams' semi-autobiographical novel, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, seems appropriate.

I think our parting is amicable. I know it is for my part. During our four years together I got nothing but excellent internet service from Earthlink. It was rock solid and consistently performed at the top of the marketed "up to" speeds.

My only complaint with Earthlink was that they never reduced the price of their service as other competitors lowered theirs. I guess they simply assumed that the cost of switching was more than most people could tolerate. I suppose they were right, to a point.

The point, for me, was the introduction by Verizon of a service called FiOS.

Aside #5/2Mbps:Does market research show that products with non-standard capitalization are perceived as more technically sophisticated?

FiOS gives me about 7 times faster internet access than Earthlink DSL, and does it for 20% less money. The money alone is compelling. And the increase in speed is appreciated at least once a month — on Patch Tuesday.

Maybe Earthlink will win me back one day, just as Arthur Dent found himself back on Earth. But until then, do I have to keep the fishbowl?

Hook 'Em!

Okay, the color of the "Rounders 2" header was a bit too Aggie-ish for this Longhorn's taste. So I've changed it. Or tried to.

Hook 'Em.

New Format

It's a new year, and I'm tired of the look of my blog. So I decided to see what other canned formats they offered. I chose one called "Rounders 2". Don't know if I'll keep it.

Or maybe I'll customize it. Yeah, that's what I'll do; I'll rewire it!

Life After Vince

As happy as I am about the National Championship, it didn't take long before the discussion turned to Vince Young's pro prospects.

Vince said after losing the Heisman Trophy that he would come back next year to win it. Reggie Bush could come back as well, but one has to wonder if he would beat Young in the voting again. Bush had a pretty solid game, to be sure, but Vince really stole the show. That will probably remain in the voters' minds next year.

But even if Mr. Young stays another year, the post-Vince era is drawing rapidly to a close. What comes next?

Vince Young is an incredible athlete, the kind you don't find in every recruiting class, or every decade. So who will pick up the slack when Vince moves on to (much) greener pastures? Of course we really can't know. We didn't know that Vince would turn out to be, well, Vince when he first came on the scene. True, he was a highly recruited and touted high school player, but those are a dime a dozen and rarely pan out.

The fear, of course, is that UT will regress to the old ways. You remember those, don't you? It was the norm only three years ago: Darkie up the middle; Darkie up the middle; Whitey pass; Whitey punt. Yes, that's not a very PC way of describing it, but it is accurate, perhaps in more way than one (i.e. that stereotypes fitting players to positions by race are slow to change, even in the face of prime counter examples).

Much has been made of a transformation on the part of Mack Brown, saying that he has learned to relax and have fun (and let his team have fun). They try to imply that that is why UT is winning now. Oddly, or maybe not, this transformation coincides exactly with Vince Young's ascension. So which was the cause and which the effect? Will Mack's new fun approach carry on when Vince has gone on? Will the team remain unpredictable — and successful?

It will be interesting to watch.

Oh Me of Little Faith!

A few months ago I whined about Texas being ranked number 2 in the preseason football polls. I predicted that you'd be able to tell whether we really were #2 by the flushing sound. Gotta love scatological humor, eh?

Well, believe it or don't, we're still #2 in the polls and tonight we play top ranked U$C in the Rose Bowl! Don't go wavin' any feathers around or I might fall and hurt myself.

Along the way, we managed to not lose to Ohio State, Oklahoma, Texas Tech, or Frankford Middle School (or whatever patsies we played before conference play began). We had some tough games, but every time we managed to avoid snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, and that's something new for a Mack Brown team.

So I am cautiously optimistic that Texas will at least be respectable in tonight's game. Though I still have trouble believing that we'll actually win.

Two-Wheelin'

Haven't had time to blog about it, but I really am thrilled that 2 of 2 threw off the shackles of training wheels last week started riding his bike the way God™, or at least Schwinn™, intended!

At 6½ years old, he was probably on the old side to have still been using training wheels, and his quick success without them tells me that he was definitely ready, from a balance and coordination point of view. So did we wait too long, or was this the right time? Is there any real value in falling over and over again while trying to learn to ride?

We did the same thing with 1 of 2, though he actually asked us to remove the training wheels. But they were both about the same age and both had similar immediate success.

So what was the technique? We took him to a local park where there was a short, moderate slope followed by a large flat area. He mounted the bike and put his feet on the pedals while I held the bike upright. I gave him a bit of a push and told him to steer and pedal, and he was off! Step 2 (of 2, of course), was to describe how to start from a standing position. It took a few tries, and is still the hardest part of riding, but he's on his way.

The only problem that has arisen due to 2 of 2's new mode of transport is that I spent a lot of time jogging beside him during those first several minutes. I'm not in the proper shape for that. My shins were killing me for several days afterwards.

So way to go, 2! Your triumph is now permanently recorded in the blogosphere.

New Year Resolutions (2006)

Well it's that time of year, isn't it? A time to reflect on the year just completed and to look forward to the year just begun. And, of course, to make resolutions to do better this year that we did last.

But why? How many people do you know who make NYRs and actively work on them throughout the year? It's really just a waste of time and is often depressing, first because last year's failures are often the inspiration for this year's resolutions and then because you fail so early and give up all hope of succeeding.

Who needs that?

I have only kept one new year resolution, and that was several years ago when I resolved to not make any more.