In the Future

"In the future we will ... screw with batteries, ..."

That was part of an essay my third grader wrote in class yesterday. I asked him a few questions about some of his other predictions and then asked, "what does it mean that we'll screw with batteries?"

He said that batteries will include built-in screw drivers for opening the battery compartments on toys.

I suppose that the old, dead batteries will be used to re-secure the battery cover, but didn't get into all the possible scenarios with him. I was just relieved that he wasn't talking about battery powered sex toys! :-0

Hot Air

Wind, Rain, and Gas all have one thing in common: hot air.

I'm thinking, of course, of the hot air at the center of a hurricane and the wind and rain that accompany it. And these days we're all concerned about the effects of hurricanes on our gas supply. If only we could effectively harness all the hot air coming from both ends of our erected leaders (local, state, and federal).

Wait, back up. What rain? I live in the Greater Dallas Metropolitan Area and I got what I estimate to be 10 or 20 drops per square foot around 3:00 p.m. Central Daylight Time. That was it!

Now I know that one gully-washer wouldn't cure the drought we're in, but since we're supposed to be heading into our second wet season (wet season being relative, of course), I was kinda hopin' this would get us off to a good start. As they say, if a hurricane is inevitable, then you might as well lie back and enjoy it!

Back to the gas. To do my part to conserve gas I'm not going to drive to work for the rest of this year! Yep, that's right, I'm a gonna park that 6.8 liter engine in the driveway and walk to work! For the rest of the year!

Oh, wait, I've walked to work for about the last 2.5 years. And for the 5 years before that I only drove if I had to go to the airport for a business trip.

Well, okay, here's a real change: for the past couple of months I've driven my wife's minivan instead of my truck whenever possible. And we're both planning trips more carefully to minimize miles driven.

Now if only I could harness the methane that seems to be associated with the beans that are so prevalent in the Tex-Mex food that I love so much.

Yankee, Go Home!

Today, after 9 years in Texas, my friend, E, crossed the border into Arkansas with a U-Haul trailer on his way back to Maryland.

No, he wasn't fleeing Hurricane Rita. He was going back home to live with his Momma. :-)

Nah, while technically correct (for now), that wasn't the purpose of his move to MD. He took a job with the gummint and the job is in the 'burbs of D.C. E's mother lives in Glen Burnie, a town so behind the times that it doesn't have a web site. He's going to move into her condo for a couple of months to build up his savings before moving into his own apartment.

E's new job is with one of the so-called intelligence agencies, so he's changing his email signature to "00E". I don't think the new job includes a "license to kill", like other double-aught agents, but then again, he does have a driver's license and that's nearly the same thing here in Texas.

Anyway, here's to ya, 00E. Now go get a haircut. And tuck in your shirt. Put away the milk, too! I know you lived in Texas for 9 years, but did you live in a barn?

GO 1-3?

One of my kids just started playing Tee Ball and we had our first two games this past weekend. It's a lot of fun to watch, but it's a guilty pleasure because you're enjoying the complete and total incompetence!

Case in point, one of the few outs recorded (most innings end when the batting team scores 5 runs) came when a line drive bounced off the "pitcher" and rolled straight to the 1st baseman (slow enough for him to grab it).

I decided to score the play as a ground out, 1-3.

Let Them Snort ...

1) New Orleans has a crime problem (even before Madam Katrina blew into town). 2) Drug dealers are probably having a hard time getting product. 3) There are lots of houses with wallboard that needs replacing.

Here in North Texas we've seen first hand how even "experts" can't tell the difference between ground up sheetrock and cocaine. So I propose that the dealers take wallboard from flooded houses, dry it out, grind it up, sell it to the addicts, and donate a percentage of the proceeds to the cleanup effort.

Heck, just by removing the sheetrock they'd be aiding in the cleanup — without filling up the dumps! The addicts might also benefit by breaking their immediate dependency (since I doubt that snorting gypsum has the same pharmacological effect as cocaine).

Sounds like a win, win, win situation to me! :-)

OMG! Company's Coming!

If you're married then you've experienced the panic that precedes the arrival of company. Everything has to be spic-n-span, but make sure you put the Spic and Span away or the company will know that you cleaned up for them.

I can understand some cleanup. I don't want the place to be a pigsty, but since I've always been comfortable in what might be called organized clutter I've never understood the need to completely disrupt the normal functioning of your house to make it perfect for visitors. For example, why do I have to put away the stack of stuff next to the couch? I still want to go through that stuff and I'll just be moving it back right after the guests leave. That's not only wasted labor, but I suspect that everyone has such stacks and no one (at least not the husbands) will think any the worse of me for having it there in plain view.

In a similar vein, why do you have to clean something that isn't exactly dirty, or can never be exactly clean? Like the toilet? I'm not talking about a disgusting toilet, like some of my bachelor friends have. Our toilets get cleaned at least once a week. They don't have stains. They don't stink. To casual observation they're pretty clean. When they become not pretty clean they get cleaned.

But I just got sent to clean the toilet — company's coming! We have knives in the kitchen and I like to sleep at least once a day, so I did as ordered.

Then company arrived. An 8-year old and a 6-year old.

Boys.

For a play date with my kids.

I have a new item on my visitor list: Why clean something if its cleanliness (or lack thereof) won't be noticed by the guests?

Free At Last

Free at last,
Free at Last!
Thank God Almighty,
She's free at last!

At 12:01 a.m. EDT, the gross injustice that was the Martha Stewart Incarceration was ended with the snip of a rubber band.

While we all undoubtedly rejoice at her renewed freedom, my soul fairly cries at the imaginings of the pain and anguish which Martha endured lo these many restless months. Months that can never be returned to her.

My heart aches. I'm sure that James Thomas feels the same way.

This is NOT your father's PM

I recently picked up a copy of Popular Mechanics after reading part of an article in a waiting room.

Aside #10 a.m.: Why is it that your wait in any waiting room is inversely proportional to your interest in the magazines they have available?

It was the September 2005 issue and has several really good articles.

Anyway, I was flipping through the ads at the back and right there with utility trailers, portable buildings, and log splitters, was an advertisement for LoveLiberator.

Oh, my.

I don't ever remember seeing ads like that in PM before, though it has been a while since I read one. I wonder if a future issue will have detailed plans to build your own vibrator (to soothe your sore muscles after spending a day splitting wood, of course).

Home Schooled University Degree?

GeBo's comment on my posting about the start of school in Plano raises more questions and thoughts than can be covered in a reply. Maybe more than can be covered in a single post. But here 'goes.

Gebo wonders why we can't home school our kids to a Harvard degree. My first thought is that we can — just look at W's degree at Yale. :-)

Okay, enough with the jokes. The first question that really comes to mind in this is what kind of diploma do home schooled kids get when they "complete" high school? The answer probably varies from state to state, but in Texas the answer is none. In fact, Texas considers home schools to be private schools and does not regulate them in any way! There are no attendance requirements, no test requirements, no curriculum requirements — nothing!

So when your home schooled child "graduates" from home school they only get a diploma if you print one or order one from the internet. Their "transcript" is whatever you type up.

So now I have to wonder, if my kid's public school performance sucked, can I just claim that they were home schooled on the college applications? How would the university check? Could they check?

So, back to the home schooled university degree. Since home schooled secondary school students don't get a diploma from the state or the local school district I can't claim a home schooled PISD degree. Similarly there is no reason to expect to be able to claim a home schooled university degree from any particular university.

Of course, everyone seems to be offering "distance learning" programs where you "attend" a university via the internet. So I could get a degree from many institutions without ever darkening the doorway of any building on their campus.

But that is playing by their rules and I'm into local control and want to protect my precious children from the corrupting influences of outsiders.

So what, really, is preventing me from home schooling my kids' college educations? Well, nothing, I suppose. Except the acceptance of that education by employers.

So, Gebo, school away. 'Course you'll have to have kids first.

Jesus and Java

What popped into your mind first, coffee or a computer programming language?

Of course, context matters a lot, and what I'm too lazy to show you is the graphic that accompanied the article with the title "Jesus and Java". It (the graphic) was of a steaming coffee cup and saucer, with a cross on the side of the cup. "Jesus and Java" curled around the bottom of the saucer.

Those of you familiar with the Java computer programming language are probably aware of the coffee cup logo that goes with it. (Check out java.com to see it.)

My first thought was of the programming language. I was curious to know what Jesus might have to do with Java. Was this going to be a diatribe against technology in general? Or perhaps a treatise on the evils of non-open source software? Or maybe it would equate object oriented programming (which often touts code reusability) with embryonic stem cell research? Or is garbage collection really just a metaphor for euthanasia?

Actually, it's none of the above. It's a bunch of singles (so I can't go) who get together to drink coffee and share their faith.

Dino-mite! (part deux)

Way back on the 18th of July I promised to post pictures of my child's room for your critical evaluation. They are finally here!

This shows the north wall, including the volcano in the NE corner. The alternating bands of light and medium brown are supposed to represent different geologic layers. Yes, the T-Rex fossil spans layers. It's called "artistic license". The dinosaurs on the ground are stickers ordered from The Company Store, but the pteranadon/pterodactyl is hand painted, as are the palm trees, rocks, ferns, etc. — all without stencils. (BTW, I don't care if palm trees didn't exist during the time of the dinosaurs. Nor do I care that theropods (like T-Rex) and sauropods (like apatosaurus) didn't co-exist. Artistic license.)

Here we see the SW corner of the room, including the apatosaurus mentioned above.

And finally we see the SE corner.

We're still needing to get some curtains, put up some high shelves to hold keepsakes, and put up a poster or two. I also still owe 2 of 2 a couple more fossils in the dirt.

Not shown is the window and the fossils under it (a fish and a trilobite), and the big and little dipper on the ceiling. They are done with glow in the dark stars, so they only show up at night.

We're #2?

Sports Illustrated's College Football Preview has Texas ranked 2^nd in the nation, trailing only U$C.

In the tech world people often talk about the reality distortion field that seems to surround tech leaders such as Steve Jobs and Bill Gates. The RDF causes ordinarily lucid people to believe anything they are told, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. I think that such a field must exist around the Texas football team.

Mind you, I'm a Texas grad. Even a lifetime member of the Texas Exes. Maybe it's just that I've been disappointed so many times before. And every year it's the same thing: Texas has a great recruiting class; Texas is highly ranked in the pre-season polls; Texas self destructs in the big games.

Sooner or later you have to detect a pattern and try to learn from it. Texas teams seem to consistently underperform. Why is that? I think it's pretty clear that it comes down to coaching. But DeLoss Dodds doesn't seem to have figured that out. He continually hires great PR men (who excel above all else at selling themselves) and continually misses out on great coaches.

On the other hand, maybe we are #2. We'll know for sure when we hear the flushing sound as our season goes down the — uh — drain.

I am not ...

I am not a celebrity endorser, but I would like to recommend NerdBooks.com. I found out about NerdBooks from a blog entry by Gene Bob.

In that missive, Gebo mentioned that you could use an in-store kiosk to order from the website and get internet pricing. I interpreted this as a sneaky (but not necessarily frowned upon) way to save money over the normal retail price charged in the store. I wasn't sure if the order process allowed you to specify in-store pickup or if it was shipped like usual, but arrived quickly for those of us in the DFW metroplex.

I thought of NerdBooks today because I suddenly needed a book of the nerd variety. In the past I've had the choice of ordering off the internet and waiting several days, or paying significantly more to get it immediately at the local Barnes&BordersNobleBookStop. So I thought, if you can use an in-store kiosk to place an order for in-store pickup then surely you can do it over the web as well. So I started the purchasing process only to discover no in-store pickup option on the shipping method page. So I called them on the phone to see how much more their in-store price was.

That was when I learned the secret handshake. To do in-store pickup you choose the cheapest shipping method (DHL ground) and then, on the next screen, put in a comment that tells them that you want to pick up the book in the store, so please don't charge shipping or give the book to DHL. Of course, if you don't live close to Richardson, TX this is not an option. As they say, "your mileage may vary."

I now have my book at internet prices, picked up locally. Makes me tingly all over. Or maybe I'm just itching from my encounter with Books, the dog. I'm allergic to dogs. But don't let Books stop you from visiting NerdBooks — Books is very well behaved and doesn't jump all over you or force himself on you. I sort of invited him over and got a lick on the hand and gave him a pat. And now that I think of it, I didn't notice if Books was a he or a she. Just didn't look. So please don't bark at me if Books is a girl.

Terrorists Spread Plague at DFW

I participated in a bioterrorism exercise today. I wish I could hold you spellbound for several hours with fascinating stories about it, but I cannot. Even if I were a great storyteller, which I'm not, there simply weren't any great stories to tell.

Ever since 9/11 there have been lots of these little emergency preparedness exercises. This one involved several counties in the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex and tested the ability to dispense medicine to deal with a bioterrorism attack. The scenario was the dispersal of pneumonic plague through the ventilation system at DFW airport. By the time the incident is detected the victims are spread all over the area and several centers are setup to
dispense the medicine (doxycycline).

I was participating as a victim at the Collin County site. The exercise lasted 5 hours and basically consisted of telling paramedics that I felt fine, filling out a form (name, address, age, drug allergies, pregnancy status, etc.) and getting a bottle of antibiotics. I did this something like 15 times because the goal was to see how fast people could be processed. Some victims naturally exercised certain parts of the system (e.g. pregnant women had to be handled differently) and others were randomly chosen to play a role where they claimed certain conditions to force special handling.

Perhaps the funniest part of the day came from watching the police. At the beginning of the day they were all decked out in storm-trooper boots, dark green camo pants, bullet proof vests, mirrored sunglasses, and camo do rags. They had pistols strapped to one leg, a big pouch of who-knows-what on the other leg, and carried M-16's (or other real assault weapons). That was when it was only 80 or 85 degrees. By noon the rifles were gone, along with the vests and do rags. A little while later all of the weapons and pouches were gone, too. I guess it was just too hot to wear and carry all that stuff. The guys who looked so macho and cocky at the beginning were sitting around, talking and laughing, long before the last victims collected their umpteenth (empty) bottle of medicine.

Summer's Out For School!

Summer is over here in the Plano ISD, and a lot of us are PISD about it. It seems that the school schedule is driven more by the vacation plans of the wealthy than by any real educational goals. The driving factors seem to be:

• Must have 1 week fall break for vacation


• Must have 1 week spring break for vacation


• Must have 2 week winter break for vacation


• Cannot have the hassle of semester exams hanging over our dear little ones' heads while they're on winter vacation


• Must keep semesters balanced (same no. days in each)

Those who cannot afford 4 or more vacations per year (summer vacation is assumed above) don't come to the community feedback sessions to voice their opinion regarding the break — perhaps they're working? They're also the most likely to lack the internet connections required to participate in the online polls, and they're the least likely to vote. Those things all make it much easier to ignore their views and to claim that the schedule reflects the wishes of the community.

So why is it that I don't know anyone who likes the early start?

The legislature might fix this problem for us due to financial issues, but I'm not holding my breath hoping that the monied interests won't figure out how to win there as well.

In case you aren't up on the issues of school finance in Texas, the legislature is meeting in special session to try to give schools more money. Some want more controls along with that money, and one of the controls says you can't piss away millions air-conditioning schools in August if you have cheaper alternatives, like eliminating fall break and keeping school in session until the beginning of June (or at least the end of May).

But, of course, "local control" is a favorite catch phrase for zealots of all stripes.

Aside #34.0625: Do you know anyone who is home schooling their children who isn't doing it for religious reasons?

So, a time when children should still be playing or going to camp or something like that is being spent in a classroom. No wonder they're in such a surly mood these days.

One up — Another still up

In the past couple of days we've waited anxiously for one group of 7 to return from space and for another group of 7 to return from what might be called deep space.

The first group are astronauts in the US Space Shuttle Discovery and they are currently stuck in space because of cloud cover in Florida. Before that, they weren't sure if they would be stuck in space due to safety concerns related to damage to the TPS (we love acronyms :-). We continue to wait for their safe return.

The second group are submariners in the Russian Navy (cue memories of Alan Arkin in "The Russians Are Coming, The Russians Are Coming") who were stuck 190 meters or so underwater in a rescue sub. Thankfully they were able to consume no oxygen whatsoever, preserving their 24-hours supply for three days and surfacing (thanks to a little help from their friends driving a yellow submarine) with that same 24-hour supply. I have to admit to being surprised, though pleased, at their survival.

Aside #32.125: What's with that crazy hat the Russian Admiral wore? Have you ever seen a hat so big outside of a church on Easter Sunday?

Aside #33.333: I've never used links as much as Gebo, but after his recent diatribe I've decided to use them even more infrequently for fear of being publicly identified as an idiot.

Pssst! Click Here!

News Flash: Hell Has Frozen Over!

It's a typically warm August day in north Texas, but I have definitive proof that Hell™ has frozen over, pigs are flying through the air (don't look up without eye protection), and the Catholic Church has decided to allow married priests.

What's the proof? I took my wife's minivan to Sears and her 21-month-old DieHard™ battery actually tested as BAD WHILE STILL WITHIN THE 100% WARRANTY PERIOD!!!!! We got a new battery for absolutely nothing! No labor, no prorating — nothing.

Well, there is the fee for the paramedics who were called when I fainted and bonked my noggin on the floor, so I guess it really wasn't free. But none of that money will be going to Sears.

ICE

If you have email you've probably heard about ICE by now. ICE stands for In Case of Emergency and you are supposed to use those three letters in an entry in your mobile phone's phonebook.

The idea is that people will know who to call if you suffer some ill fate.

So I created the entry with the name ICE and the phone number, 9-1-1.

I'm not sure how this is really supposed to help. If someone is too stupid to call 9-1-1 already I have a hard time believing that they'll be able to figure out how to go through the phonebook of my cell phone.

Ping! Pop! Sprong! Tinkle, Tinkle, Woosh, BANG!

That's what it sounds like when the screws which connect your garage door to the opener strip out, as happened to me on Wednesday while I was putting the door down. Yes down.

I have a 2-year-old insulated 16' door (2-car garage). I think it's strange that the screws striped out, but when you look at the door the screws go into very thin sheet metal. Doesn't sound like a very secure attachment to me. And, of course, the installer doesn't want to admit that they did a shoddy job.

You see, it's my fault. I must've tried to use the door while it was locked. Nope. Or I failed to maintain it properly, such as lubricating it and periodically checking the balance. Actually, I do periodically lubricate my door because my wife likes it to be quiet.

By show of hands, how many of you have ever checked the balance of your garage doors? Do you even know how?

And, of course, other "overhead door" companies (they never call them garage doors) are all in cahoots with each other. They are determined to find something wrong with your door to make you spend a bunch of money. And, of course, the wife buys into it hook, line, and sinker, meaning that I cannot call bullshit and ask them to just fix the damn connection.

So I now have a set of shiny new rollers, a balanced door, and a $336 credit card bill.

The moon is made of swiss cheese

Neil Armstrong discovered that the moon was made of swiss cheese on this date, July 20, in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and sixty nine.

Tee-hee-hee! I just wrote sixty-nine!

Ahem! I was 7 back then, and wasn't aware of any other meanings for 69. But if I had been aware I probably would have giggled my pants off.

Anyway, I'm thinking of Mr. Armstrong's famous words: "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." Since "man" in this usage is the same as "mankind" that statement is contradictory. And while I'm too muddle-headed in my advancing age to remember the details, I seem to recall that if you accept as true something which is obviously false then you can use that to prove any silly ol' statement you wish, including that the moon is made of swiss cheese.

And everyone knows that the moon is not made of swiss cheese.

It's string cheese.