The Real Father Is ...

I'll probably get sued by all the media companies who are making a mint off this whole "whose the daddy" bizness with Anna Nicole Smith's baby, but the truth must come out (and it will make you free) even if it means that the media frenzy must come to an end.

The sad part is that I only figured it out this morning while I was lying in bed and fondly recalling the wild activities that took place last night (Valentine's Day). But context is often the key to recognizing relationships between things — or people — so I shouldn't be too hard on myself.

Anyway, I have a friend who is not only a big ANS fan, but is also a spy with the NSA. You remember them? When you're talking on the phone and think you hear someone else on the extension but you know it can't be true because neither you nor the person you're calling has an extension (i.e. you're both on cell phones) — that's the NSA.

Anyway, when it came time to tap the phone of Ms. Smith, I have no doubt that my friend would have been shouldering his way to the front of the line. And once he was on the job he'd want to make sure it was done right so he'd put in multiple taps, including some inside her house / condo / hotel room. Then, being the international man of mystery that he is, Ms. Smith would be overcome with desire and would end up in the sack with him.

Yes, this would happen even though my friend would be wearing some clever disguise. There's just something about the aura of international men of mystery that shines through any disguise and makes almost all women (and some men) lose all inhibitions.

So there you have it. My friend is, in all likelihood, the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby! The sad thing is that I cannot reveal the identity of my friend without being thrown in jail, tagged forever by all the president's men as an evil-doer. So poor little Danilynne will never meet her real father and he will never know the joy of raising a trust fund baby.

Ah, well, "'tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all". Surely those words will be comfort to many this day after Valentine's Day. On the other hand, for many others the phrase "yes, we have the morning after pill" will be more comforting.